Tempting love

I look at her, hoping to uncover
what’s beneath her skin
to wrap myself around her
and slumber with her spirit
to enfold and share her stirring
her shining, her warm
eager to sense her innocence

I want to loose my corners
and be lost in her splendor
touch her golden fingers
her butterfly eyes
when her hairs cascade over me

I want to adore her
her charm and love
that she entices me
I want my body to merge with her
Yearn with an urge to clinch her
to taste her taste
and not with the physical sagacity
this love making we will share

One day stars will align to make this possible

They will feed our fire and keep us aglow
with a sweet joy that would wrap us as one

Without fear and forever
I will cross outer boundaries to obtain her
I will fight the thunders
from a heartbeat, a hope, a stare and a smile!

Ten Good reasons to blog again!

It’s now dark and I have finished writing a poem and I just don’t want it be tucked in my offline Ms-Word copy. The rule is that only coherent thoughts are allowed to be published. But this doesn’t apply in my world.

So, below are the ten good reasons why I want to blog again and why you should give it a go!

1. Because I got a new pen: Believe this. Okay, I already had pens but then again my new pen gives me a good feeling. Though I had got it long time back. But then, what should you write about? Fishes? Summer? Chips? Crowded like shit Delhi Metro? Oh.. wait. I know you will read it all what I scribble here.

2. Because I have been crowding my Facebook wall with long status updates & was resistant to poke people with my passive-aggressive posts: Dare! This is my world. I am the king and I will write everything.

3. Because I was thinking that I have become lame and I don’t know my job: No explanations!

4. Because I have a story inside: Life is a picture. A film to be precise and I want you to see it in my words. Because that’s all I have. The story needs a hyperbole.

5. Because I seek a distraction: Okay! It’s not actually a distraction but it is something that calms me.

6. Because I have experiences that I want to share for the good of others: Yes. We learn from our own field of experiences but then again our frame of references also helps in life. Helps a lot.

7. Because there are things which I can’t express when I just speak!

8. Because I haven’t updated from a long time: I see my visitors graph going high. People around the world land here and they find just old stuffs and that brings to a halt - their REVISIT.

9. Because you are reading this: Just because you are reading this. Dear reader, a writer definetely seeks appreciations but at the same time he also expects reactions, not just the plain ones. But reactions to calm his inner soul. And maybe this will work out :D

10. Why ten? Coz just nine were not enough! :D

This day that year!

Memories are always motivations for something new, something good or bad. The encounters which pops up randomly leads to most of it. And then we groan, grumble and gripe about our tedious and unholy actions in the days coming by. We are humans and our tendency to expect, expect things in our favour never halts. We look forward to make things better despite our endless litany of complaints and war of dishonourable words.

 

In the context of present situation it appears an unrelated story. But its truth. What I write is all true here. My persistent love for you is still awake in the dawn. We are two separated humans now; we don’t share a bond of love, nor friendship but may be a bone of contention dwells between us.

So, here am taking you in flashback to 24^th Dec 2010. – The most beautiful evening in my life.

“Her gloomy face was pinching me more than a sword. 1000 miles away from her home, she had no one to celebrate her Christmas. In the dusk of chilly winter evening, she stood few walks away. She had cried last night as I yelled endlessly on her. Somehow I gathered strength to walk and she then walked along. I apologised, what better I could have done.

After walking few meters we decided to sit in the lawns next to us, like setting sun I thought I was losing her. She loved me a lot and I did too. My yelling out and making her cry was all because of her disheartening actions. She accepted her mistake. I held her hand and we hide it by my blue shoulder bag, so that no one in the campus can see and bitch about it.

For this year I wanted her Christmas to be the best, best ever she had. I called Jatin and Heena (friends) and then we planned a Christmas dinner in the best resto lounge in Jaipur. My world lies in her happiness. I just wanted her to be happy. She packed her bag and then we left for 3d’s.

At 8 in the evening we sat under the stars on 8^th floor of the corporate tower. Yes that’s where the 3d’s is. Cold wind blew off her hairs which were hiding her eyes, her lips appeared pink and beautiful than a newly born baby, she held my cold hands with her warm hands and on my shoulders she rested her head. And that moment I wanted to kiss her for the longest time. I was bewildered by the magnificence of her beauty and wished to see her with hundred eyes. My heart was passionate and contended with the wondrous beauty and a loving soul that I now behold. She had breathed new life into me. Every fiber of my being was in love with her.

We ordered for food, beer (Tuborg) and hookah. We talked, laughed and had a quality time. All this plan would have not been executed so well without Heena and Jatin. Thanks a ton guys. I could sense all the love which they had for me. I was happy and so was Sana. I watched in her eyes and wanted to kiss her again. The dank airstream has made the milieu romantic, romantic than the valentine nights.

Just the time when we were leaving I saw a girl holding few roses in her hand. Sana had went to the washroom that moment. I asked the stranger if she could give me a rose, she smiled and agreed. When sana came back, I proposed her again and apologised for making her sad. She smiled and she was happy like ever. In soft soothing tone she uttered those 3 words, 8 letters “I love you”. We stared each other with a vengeance to uncover what's beneath our skin.

At 12 we went to Church and sana’s relatives were already there. Jesus did not wanted us to see him that night. Sana ran and so we and escaped behind our car. Haha. Slowly we sat and drove away, and the audio system stared playing. No matter we did not see Jesus but the love and blessings of him was with us, as that’s what made the evening so special and memorable. We then drove to Heena’s PG to and dropped both the girls there. I and Jatin went back home. I never wanted her to go away from Sana that night. I could keep watching her eyes all through the coldest night. But sadly she had to go. 

Next morning, I woke up early as we (me, Heena and Sana) had to go church. Before I go and meet her I wanted to buy few chocolates and a plum cake along with few flowers. I gave them chocolates and kept the cake in my bag, out of her sight. Sana was then planning for the day. Like a child she began,

Sana : “abi church jaana hai fir doctor or fir mujhe plum cake lena hai friends ke liye :D”. Arrogantly, I cut her off and said

Me : “church chalo or doc ke pass bas! Time nai hai, cake lene nai jaana”

Sana : “nai na, mujhe cake lena hai ☹”
Me : “koi jarurat nai ha yaar, bakwas dost tumhare, XD”

She put her face down, she was sad and thought in herself, 'things can never work between us, he is arrogant and impossible' and that moment I took out the cake from my bag. Haha I laughed. My girl grinned most beautifully and then planted a kiss on my cheek. I held her hand and kissed back. I wish if the moment would have paused for life.

There was a certain physical and intellectual attraction; a long-sought rarity. She was someone to appreciate the same things I do in life. The way she looked in my eyes and whispered those sweet nothings, oh you took my breath away. 

We then walked to church, lighted candles, prayed and in my prayers I asked her for my life. The moments were beautiful. This was all I was craving for. I still cherish the romance and glee of that evening. 

It had become a tradition in our relationship, we broke up after every time after we spend a brilliant time. :p.

The days were good tough. We crazily loved each other. What else one needs, a true love and a couple of good friends. Those transient pleasures were not meaningless. 

This day that year we were together. We were one. 

Things have changed and so has life. Oh, darn it now, the story is making us two unforgettable Hollywood couples. :D :p.

Life moves and relationships ends. Here I am, now in a different place altogether in a different state of mind and we are poles apart. This year there's none of you! - I wish if I had the photographs of last year. I miss you all - Heena, Jatin and Sana.

Staring at the farthest star I am imagining the past again. Trying to drive out the little lifeforce outta me. So to help myself on my career paths.

Here’s a sincere wish for everybody 

MAY YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES BE WELL AND HAPPY ALWAYS! :) 

Merry Christmas.

Sukesh

What I crave!

This madness is killing me. Is taking me nowhere. A barren meadow of darkness is where I am colluded.

The ambitions are not being taken care properly; plans mostly run on my cell phone notes or die in my head. Forbidden tough the relation was but why I still crave for it. This life is worse than the decayed bodies. The nothingness is calmly tearing me within. The spots still leave a mark on my chest.. or deep in my soul! My heart begs me to soak some eyeful first, yes you. Soak some life if it still exists in ME.

My memory only vomits images of you. What haunts my sleep is me, I see myself running, escaping and roaring in madness, trying to defy my existence. 

What I crave I never know! Is it you? Or just some peace in my burned up and discomposed life!

Jesus knows.

Death chased to this narrow edge, to the narrow stage of numbness where I could not touch what I crave for, you parting away weakens and hold me back.

 What I crave…
Finer details which leads to bliss.
or just your immortal glimpse.
The silence of death…
or your dulcet lyrical voice echoes.

What I crave…
stalking sluttish beauties lust.
or our caressing meeting of souls.
To heed what life calls for…
or the multitude of irreverent questions which just arises for you.

Where do I go with this?
A poet infamous never knows.

Little things I promise.
Little details which leads to a world of colours.

Come along that I am all yours.
No kin or clan can daunt my love.
Death can’t restrain my passion.
nor age neither the decayed bodies.
Meet me at the other end of my life.

I crave this.
I crave a time with you, with myself.
I crave few moments of LIFE and HAPPINESS.

Just let me hear your heartbeats again.
Let my lust be quenched by you again.
I am here, frozen in blood.
Melt me with the warmth of your breast.
Let nothing touch my ear drums again.
no crying thoughts.
But just the sound of collision of our teeth.

Let me flow in you like blood.
Check all manifestations of your consciences.
Agile, sad, silent, tactless, wild and bashful.
I want to live in every existence of yours.

Guide me to my ambitions.
Show me the little details I die for.
Take me to where I crave for. ☹

Sukesh

Confessions of a Blogger

Am I a blogger?

A blogger has to be compulsive. Posting daily on blog must be his inescapable chore like morning shit :p. (But not be as dirty as that – it should just relax himself as shit does)

I never practised publishing as I shit daily.

SO – Sazzy is not a bloogie :(

There appears to be a few more facts that assail me from calling myself a blogger!
* I did not post any (apart a few) happy events on my blog.
- Pondering on I found there are some which could have been really a good blog.

**MY first salary.
** My new job.
**My Happy hours of relations. (NO Matter they were few :p)
**My transformed life (Deciding priorities ;-))

I won’t defend myself if I justify my non-posting hours where motivated and extended by bad health & depressive state I was trapped in.:(

Chest burned, head stopped functioning, presence of mind lost – well I was SCREEEEWWWEED!!

I know this is a lame excuse when you are in media. Here show must go on.

Apologies. What better I can say! :-/

But this blog mine has always been a companion, a true companion.

निश्छल,  निश्पापी,  निष्कलंक ,  निःस्वार्थ :D

Heeded all what I said, this mute blog of mine, every bit of my sadness, she heard and cried with me. M sorry I made u cry. In my mind’s eye I always wished that I will be a compulsive blogger, silently promised to “randoM stanceS” and then I failed but she never complained about it. She is the best with me.  :)

This confession is to none but to “randoM stanceS” & a few die-hard FANS :p (who read my blog actively ;-))

However am trying to get on it finally. For real now. I will publish regularly on my blog.

P.S.: Regularly doesn’t means daily :p

Complain: To all who read my blog – I see my visitor’s graph rising, I see likes on my post – but what obstructs you from posting a comment!! Grrr.. gah!

This blog is my refuge.

A blogger so deeply attached to his blog - Sometimes got nothing to say this but a lot to express. The posts here even helped me get back to my X after my breakup(No matter we broke up again). It comforted my soul.

A blogger confesses – I confess, I posted most & only sad affairs. I confess, I could not be a compulsive blogger. I confess I made u cry, my sweet blog. I confess I took my blog in depression with me. Sazzy deeply confesses.

“awkward silence”

From my paradise.

“BREATHE”

Bone crushing hugs randoM stanceS :p :*

Sukesh

Regaining!

Trapped! Troubled! Tensed! Mystified! And then I cried… In one word I was *fucked!*

Voila. With no hopes! But enough of tears, enough of aching, enough of the losing myself…

How the worries empowered me. How can a misunderstanding and imperfect character shook all my convictions. I can’t run down the drain dude!

I see the finish line; now to actually cross it.

I guess all my readers have noted my sudden freefall; being a fanatic sufferer all within past year all alone! Now you my “X” please am not biased, agreed ‘even you suffered’! BUT…

I count it as my new vice.  

Well this helped me make new – hilarious, trustworthy friends. Made me more disciplined as well.

Some more events are running in my diary. Hopefully they will happen soon!

I got control over me and my frail emotions on top.

I was torn up in something that ain’t real. Was crashed down, may be the pilot wasn’t skilled:-p

I would love to tag a few names who really-really helped me through my disappointments, who made me live alive.

Beginning with – 

Guria didi- My elder sis, My Dad, Uncle n my whole family- they gave as much of pocket money as I wanted!(money is really a motivation sometimes)

Amresh(Baba-2), Saurav(Baba-1), Heena, Jatin, Harshit, Anup bhaiya, Pallavi - (Friends)

Jayati ma’am – My mentor

Titu - my new roomie & a friend from infancy(who is helping m out now)

And a few more who really tolerated me after I was drunk :-p

But remember sazzy is never responsible for the things he says under the influence of alcohol! ;-)

I am on track now. I joined a good organisation & I put my best efforts there. I have my meals regularly on time and am also on the alleyway to quit smoking!

*although technically sazzy is not perfect, he needs to get an eye test today, needs to improve his malnutrition kiddo physic (GYM session gonna begin in a week), & needs more focus & presence of mind.*

Convictions were shaken but no more….

You can’t, can’t stop me

Even when the universe shrinks

I have learnt,

Learnt to play on the broken strings

What if I was knocked down?

Convictions shaken & dreams drown!

I will stand again

I will laugh in the battlefield

With no worries & I will never yield

Thy can’t impede

How much effort thy put but I will succeed.

Now I have learnt to walk on highway onto hell

How much thou yell or may my body swell

But I won’t stop

My ambitions will shine

And dude then we will party

With DJ and red wine :p

And now I will stand again

I will regain…

Sukesh

Phase – II

When two beings of opposite sex (yes, it happens in same sex also, but I won’t talk about abnormals) come close, confine themselves in each other, subsequently they develop a bonding amid them. And when the relation is true then it becomes quite difficult to stay apart.

And finally when circumstances force you to leave each other’s hand, at that time life seems dull, you don’t enjoy anything going around yourself, how much interesting the happening may be…

~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~

This phase and this change surely matters more than phase – I.

~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~

I met Sana last April. Glittering green eyes, soft glossy hairs, cute and jolly smile, seeing her grin, I use to forget all my worries, tribulations didn’t bother me then. Sweetness in tone and intellectual mind, very significantly the way she was concerned about me, all this made me fall in love with her.

The charm, the beauty & the unfathomable grace that I was looking for was with me then. Those who laughed and scorned me yesterday are sorry that they were not looking as I did. I was bewildered by the magnificence of her beauty and wished to see her with hundred eyes. My heart was passionate and contended with the wondrous beauty and a loving soul that I now behold. She had breathed new life into me. Every fiber of my being was in love with her.

I was happier than ever. Slowly but surely we loved and made confine ourselves in each other.

I was very serious about Sana, and had an unwavering notion and belief that we will stay together forever. As I confine in her, I started getting dependent as well. Every action of mine was related to her, her expressions and her prose boosted me and that was so loving, I could not explain even. "I am all yours" said Sana on 15^th may ’10 and the same was from my side.     

Just after a few days, a change occurs & smashes everything. Love was on the peak when it was badly hit by a storm. I could not figure out the change and what was the reason for that. But that has badly affected me, my health, my studies, my focus and my mental status even & still I have not able to resolve myself. I could not think anything other than Sana. We kept talking and fighting… & even at times everything would become fine, but it never lasted for more than 2-3 days.

I was not able to support myself and then I started smoking and gradually am badly addicted to it now. That was really a bad phase when it all began.

Time passed on & I tried diluting all the problems. Even Sana was affected by these differences, & that was noticeable.

When I met people in college after summer vacations they forget to greet me and say ‘abe ye kya halat bana li h… kamzor kaise ho gaya… ghar walo ne nikal dia kya?’ I don’t blame Sana for any of these things, it’s just that I was weak and got dependent on someone instead of being interdependent. I can’t explain my level of dependency.

Months passed & still we were together but none of us was contended then. It made us happy when we use to spend time together, outings were memorable than anything else in my life. When she was going home on 25^th aug. and when she came back those moments are like treasures for me. Even 11^th sep, when I had to go Indore but I enjoyed those moments with her. The  moments are not much but they are incredible.  

Situations started moving on track and the problems were getting dissolved. It was Christmas Eve, when we promised each other again. That showery breeze and hand in hand we sat, that was the most loving moment in my life.

Well, the destiny screwed it again and now we aren’t together. I know she still loves me and I also know that you won’t ask this for me. Undoubtedly, I love her so much.

It’s again difficult to lead without her. I am trying to recapture the old Sukesh but it isn’t that easy without Sana.

We are separated and again none of us are happy. Every moment kills me without her and I know the same is happening with my darling. 

I also count my share in making our story sad. Sana made mistakes, created a dark scene and all this frustrated me… I acted like mad sometimes, yelled out like anything. I wanted her to give me my love back & help me come out of all this. I agree I behaved quiet indecently at times but I was always loyal and loved her very much. I said many things in aggression but never meant them.

Today I just apologies for what all I did, but you…yes am talking to you Sana… does u realize, what you mean to me. I still love you but I don’t trust you… I don’t trust that will you ever confiscate these differences and misunderstandings & make me contended again!

Trying & am trying hard. But the one who killed me will become my judge?? Never…

Sukesh

'A change of heart' !

Phase – I

The only thing which is constant in life is change. Life keeps taking unforeseen twists and turns but they can even be so illogical, never expected. Well, when its truth it can be illogical, only a lie needs the hold up of logic.

Two and half years passed since I am staying in jaipur. To be more precise, I would declare that it’s been a long time since I am staying with my class fellow’s and friends or so called friends, I can’t be very sure about it, and m sorry for that. I would have never used this word ‘so called’ but the recent happenings and clashes are forcing me to do so.

I came Jaipur for my graduation, gradually I made friends, time passed by and finally I confined myself in them. I doubtlessly say that I even have my sweetest memories of my graduation with them.

But a recent misunderstanding or a clash, coz of grudges, I exactly don’t know what it was. But somewhere it resulted in a change of heart. Sometimes I miss and cherish the loving moments spend with them, but some bitterness inside, dilutes that feeling.

Now I am learning to enjoy solitude. I decided to stay alone in this semester, but then settled with abishek bhaiya, and he is a remarkable person, believe me.

The change in my heart has affected my life style now. I keep silent most of the time, I am afraid to confine with someone, I am addicted to smoke now, but terrible things aside, some good habits have also come in. I am trying to think about my career more seriously now, I save money and spend less on faltu items and I have understood that no other man can help you the way you can.

So cheers to longevity… help lord.  

Sukesh