"The Home of 60's"

I long for my mud home of 60's
With soothing scent of monsoon around
With careless white pigeons flying back homes in the dusk
And cattle’s singing, staring the sun slipping down the sky
Where dawn wakes up with temple bells
Where people wear a white soul

In a twilight long gone by
North-star appeared so bright
Saptrishi illustrated different signs
Like a puzzle game till the dawn

Oh..How badly I miss my mud home of 60's
How deeply I long
With my paralyzed heart
With morality and Baba’s teaching deep asleep
With a black curtain covering my dawn
I take a deep breath and cherish the memories
That some day I will find my home again
If not in my life, possibly in my grave!

On a winter afternoon in 'Kasnap'

Catastrophe!

Tough I named it 'Catastrophe' but my hopes breath, they shine and I see them becoming a fraction of my life. Declaring 'Stoic' in the end helps me with a grin, with a life!

 

I lock myself up amid the stars
With planets and dark rough particles floating around
I daydream of you
In the black hole of memories I’ve created

Nothing lasts forever they say,
But I thought you and your spring would
Leaving myself untied, I fly alone
And my eyes flood with tears I have left behind

The rainbows vanish
The stars turn dark
Sun eclipsed
I guess my fate never had a love story between stars
With tendering tune of flute

Engaging in warfare with myself
I hunt for you
So to fix things up
So to live the life we sketched

Loneliness steals my smile
And prose’s of you brings it back
The sweet memories will be my life’s phase again
Stoic wrote the truth!

Tempting love

I look at her, hoping to uncover
what’s beneath her skin
to wrap myself around her
and slumber with her spirit
to enfold and share her stirring
her shining, her warm
eager to sense her innocence

I want to loose my corners
and be lost in her splendor
touch her golden fingers
her butterfly eyes
when her hairs cascade over me

I want to adore her
her charm and love
that she entices me
I want my body to merge with her
Yearn with an urge to clinch her
to taste her taste
and not with the physical sagacity
this love making we will share

One day stars will align to make this possible

They will feed our fire and keep us aglow
with a sweet joy that would wrap us as one

Without fear and forever
I will cross outer boundaries to obtain her
I will fight the thunders
from a heartbeat, a hope, a stare and a smile!

Just for a little time!

They say time fixes it all.
Time heals as they say.
So we shall now give each other some time.
Not together, but just a little far away
Not forever, but just for a little time
For we both to live our precedence's
For our love to not shatter in folly
We must stay apart for a while, for a little time.
I am wretched by daily woes
My heart aches and throat chokes
And I know even you undergo the same
I don’t tend to steal your endurance
Let’s not make our emotions fragile
Lets be lost and commit no wrong
And let us not hurt each other for a while, for a little time

Let us reach a common ground
Small tracks means nothing
When ought to travel a life
Let us grasp our refuge
Let us pick the same heaven
And then we could sleep together on the edge of silence
With our souls meeting as one under the white moon.
So let us give each other some time.
Not together, but just a little far away
Not forever, but just for a little time
Lets be bitter today
That tomorrow will just be a little sweeter.

Am aware that you now know
That I can’t hide the love
Maybe, I have not learnt it yet.
I wonder if you have lost your affection.
I wonder how many rhymes of mine
you can swallow, silently
I wonder how many times
you can hide the love you have for me
I wonder..
Before you explode with bitterness
Behind my poetry
There are million things unsaid.
People don’t come with free trials
When true, people are forever
And I don’t want you to be impermanence
No, I don’t expect that out of you.
In the dead of winter
You were a red bud
outside my window,
In my misty grey garden
And when it has grown up
I don’t want it to be fragile
You were the sun
fighting with my dark demons
And when it has invoked brightness
I don’t want it to fade..
My darling, my entire life
I don’t want my sun to fade
I don’t want my bud to be fragile
I want you see your permanence
The sun has set many-a-times
But I will notice it only once.
I miss you.
Like I would miss a lung
My heart
or my rib
That you have become an inseparable part of me
Interwoven inside me
An integral part of my core.
I hope life is easy for you, you could breathe easier now.

NO!

No .. I don’t wanna amend us.. 
I don’t wanna change. 
For we must not stay in disappointments. 
I don’t wanna amend us and carry shadows of past. 
No, I will never amend us to be a puppet attached with swings.
For once let us be free in thoughts. 
Lets be mirrors. 
And make no clouded judgement. 
And not speak the words that make our world’s fine but not US!

Did you ever realize?

Did I ever tell you?
That you are as soft like silk
And taste like morning dew
That you smell sweet and green
Like new white buds in the garden

Did I ever mention?
That the rainbows emanate 
When a pearl like tear is hung on your eye lashes

Did I ever illustrate
That how I want to at look you when you are asleep 
And discover the perfect landscape from the creases on your eyelids
How I do wish to kiss you then and go lost in that scenery

Did I ever describe?
That you are a part of me
My beloved you fall deep in my reflections
And without you I would drift away 
Drift away on a lonesome place several time zones away
Will drown in fears and insecurity
I will turn breathless and will silently starve for you

Did I ever tell you?
That you uplift me
That you make me feel like ‘I can turn tides’
And shake the moon
That I can pull the stars down
And can be vibrant than them

Did you ever realize?

Illusions!

They call me muse, they say am eccentric..
And I stare at the crescent moon..
The lady who wears that diamond ring in the sky dark..

Murky, lonely at the farthest..
She is only one who watches..
Eventually..
Watches me and listens to my songs..
The songs which die like crickets in the dawn..
The tears fallen on the blades of grass..
Also fly away with the mist..
And she does walk away with them..
But then she conscientiously returns every evening..
Just..
Just to protect my illusions again.

Sukesh

Everyday!

Keep reminding me

Everyday

That you have walked away

And will never come back..

Keep hurting me

As many times as you could

Breaking me

Into a thousand pieces

Do it in a chores..

Or else I would walk down again

I forget the bad times

What I could garner

Is touch of your hand and your silent whispers

I could just remember

Melting of our bodies in winter nights

And caressing meeting of our souls

I forget the abuses

I forget the sins

Probably it's my love that wins

My numb love has strength to win over my evil

Despite your regular refusals..

Tell me that it's gonna be a lonely night ahead

And you won't lull me to sleep..

Come and show me that dusk of red blood veil

Make me believe that you've gone by and it's the void that follows

Pinch in my eyes

And tell me that there are no more roses and rainbows

What I see are just the shades of grey

Frown me

And tell me the leaves are no more green

They are cut and have faded..

Curse this reality

Kill my unconscious thoughts

Or I will walk to you

Hoping for the history

I plead, hurt me yet again

Or else I will always be there

On the edge of your vision

Everyday!

Sukesh

Serve My Every Need!

Be with me here this moment.
This morning.
That I want to hold u tight.
And see that smile on your lips.
Cuddling I want to check all your manifestations.
And U check mine.
As U have never seen, the best of me.
I am not what you have seen or perceived.
Come close.
I want to make love with your spirit.
Blow gently, the love from your lips to lungs.
Bite your fingertips, for all your veins to sense.
I want to feel the warmth of your flesh.
Hear the sound of collision of our teeth.
Your body next to mine, let embrace like the connection of a lock.
So You can never go again.
Make love again as though it were a fairy tale that never ends.
Envelope in such passion that we share each other.
Then I will whisper ..I LOVE YOU..
Before you drift in a dream..
*Only heaven can sense this*

Sukesh

What I crave!

This madness is killing me. Is taking me nowhere. A barren meadow of darkness is where I am colluded.

The ambitions are not being taken care properly; plans mostly run on my cell phone notes or die in my head. Forbidden tough the relation was but why I still crave for it. This life is worse than the decayed bodies. The nothingness is calmly tearing me within. The spots still leave a mark on my chest.. or deep in my soul! My heart begs me to soak some eyeful first, yes you. Soak some life if it still exists in ME.

My memory only vomits images of you. What haunts my sleep is me, I see myself running, escaping and roaring in madness, trying to defy my existence. 

What I crave I never know! Is it you? Or just some peace in my burned up and discomposed life!

Jesus knows.

Death chased to this narrow edge, to the narrow stage of numbness where I could not touch what I crave for, you parting away weakens and hold me back.

 What I crave…
Finer details which leads to bliss.
or just your immortal glimpse.
The silence of death…
or your dulcet lyrical voice echoes.

What I crave…
stalking sluttish beauties lust.
or our caressing meeting of souls.
To heed what life calls for…
or the multitude of irreverent questions which just arises for you.

Where do I go with this?
A poet infamous never knows.

Little things I promise.
Little details which leads to a world of colours.

Come along that I am all yours.
No kin or clan can daunt my love.
Death can’t restrain my passion.
nor age neither the decayed bodies.
Meet me at the other end of my life.

I crave this.
I crave a time with you, with myself.
I crave few moments of LIFE and HAPPINESS.

Just let me hear your heartbeats again.
Let my lust be quenched by you again.
I am here, frozen in blood.
Melt me with the warmth of your breast.
Let nothing touch my ear drums again.
no crying thoughts.
But just the sound of collision of our teeth.

Let me flow in you like blood.
Check all manifestations of your consciences.
Agile, sad, silent, tactless, wild and bashful.
I want to live in every existence of yours.

Guide me to my ambitions.
Show me the little details I die for.
Take me to where I crave for. ☹

Sukesh

Regaining!

Trapped! Troubled! Tensed! Mystified! And then I cried… In one word I was *fucked!*

Voila. With no hopes! But enough of tears, enough of aching, enough of the losing myself…

How the worries empowered me. How can a misunderstanding and imperfect character shook all my convictions. I can’t run down the drain dude!

I see the finish line; now to actually cross it.

I guess all my readers have noted my sudden freefall; being a fanatic sufferer all within past year all alone! Now you my “X” please am not biased, agreed ‘even you suffered’! BUT…

I count it as my new vice.  

Well this helped me make new – hilarious, trustworthy friends. Made me more disciplined as well.

Some more events are running in my diary. Hopefully they will happen soon!

I got control over me and my frail emotions on top.

I was torn up in something that ain’t real. Was crashed down, may be the pilot wasn’t skilled:-p

I would love to tag a few names who really-really helped me through my disappointments, who made me live alive.

Beginning with – 

Guria didi- My elder sis, My Dad, Uncle n my whole family- they gave as much of pocket money as I wanted!(money is really a motivation sometimes)

Amresh(Baba-2), Saurav(Baba-1), Heena, Jatin, Harshit, Anup bhaiya, Pallavi - (Friends)

Jayati ma’am – My mentor

Titu - my new roomie & a friend from infancy(who is helping m out now)

And a few more who really tolerated me after I was drunk :-p

But remember sazzy is never responsible for the things he says under the influence of alcohol! ;-)

I am on track now. I joined a good organisation & I put my best efforts there. I have my meals regularly on time and am also on the alleyway to quit smoking!

*although technically sazzy is not perfect, he needs to get an eye test today, needs to improve his malnutrition kiddo physic (GYM session gonna begin in a week), & needs more focus & presence of mind.*

Convictions were shaken but no more….

You can’t, can’t stop me

Even when the universe shrinks

I have learnt,

Learnt to play on the broken strings

What if I was knocked down?

Convictions shaken & dreams drown!

I will stand again

I will laugh in the battlefield

With no worries & I will never yield

Thy can’t impede

How much effort thy put but I will succeed.

Now I have learnt to walk on highway onto hell

How much thou yell or may my body swell

But I won’t stop

My ambitions will shine

And dude then we will party

With DJ and red wine :p

And now I will stand again

I will regain…

Sukesh

Some quiet time alone!



January '11-June'11

This is a mad world we are living in. And I hate everyone around me & sometimes even myself. Got no particular reason, no justified clear facts, but simply I do.

I can’t figure out the dynamics which swayed & turned the motion of the wheel around me.

And the bloody history recurs; I am blamed for things not done my ME, same as in school. And it hardly matters me, I am least, least bothered now.

Because it isn’t worth. Absolutely not.

There are many more things. Many more comings and goings. Many more everyday & pending jobs in life which needs my attention. Career, Parents, Family & a loving loyal girl who genuinely understands sazzy ;-). I wish if I could easily ponder on them. :(

For now I want to stay alone, away from everything which hurts. I want my world where I love myself & I need only humans here not those who just bluff around. 

A world of peace. A world of introspection. A world of life. A world of HONESTY. A world of love.

Really I am shattered.

I was never so weak, never laid on someone to decide all the events & priorities in my life. The personal plans are fucked up now.

I know it’s a gloomy write-up & those who do not like it can quit reading here. It’s my blog, it’s my world & I got no one else to share the inner me other than this unspeaking blog.

The expectations are drained & I know you are roughly bothered.

It was a highway onto hell where I was rolling from so long. Now it’s crystal clear.

Never mind where I was colluded, now when I have known, should I be impressed with myself or be plain upset?

Aah.. I wish, if could lock up my heart & save it from all cracks.

I wish it worked for my life!

ch – the funloving old sazzy
Delete(9^th may ’09 – 10^th june ’11)
getch;

It’s easy to get caught up in the routine, schedules & crazy things… Lost, submerged totally into it. Where we would go blind for the things really important to us!

And then the moment of loneliness? Is it easy to compete with?

Ohh… my life is a complete chaos!

And love life is a mess. Oh it has always been!!

******

I wanted to hold u

Just here, where I am.

But my loyalty did not constrain

My tears are not drained

Memories walk along

And now it’s difficult to survive

Never expected that you will deceive

******

Gosh.. I don’t want to be a slave of my weakness!

******

It’s all gonna end tonight

All my needs and expectation

All I don’t want to desire

Slowly diminishing like a falling star

Down the drain & too far.

I can’t explain when you can’t

I can’t forget, long back the kisses you did plant

But it’s all gonna end tonight.

I wish if your insight could make it right.

The deep emotions could bring some light.

But it’s too late to fight.

Nothing’s gonna be bright.

I was at fault when you are blind.

But it’s all gonna end tonight.

Someday, may be the darkness turns to light

But for now it’ gonna end!

I screamed and you walked away. Now, I am in a small town of “please don’t leave me alone” and you moved to an island of “GoodBYE”

It’s a sudden freefall and into this madness I want to take a stake – I just want to stay alone!

May be, pondering on may heal!

Sukesh