Last Night!

It was unlike other nights. Stars were dim, moon was hidden, the chilling weather had turned soft and everything appeared me moving. Even the tress and pan shops, the street lamps and the stones, buildings and the pillars. Cars were moving without drivers and I felt something moving in the crust. Crust! In earths crust or mine!! Well both the places. 

The night had all its elements together. It was murky and silent. It was also gloomy and lonely. Something had chocked my viscous veins and I was out of my senses. The senses to tell apart between good and evil, between right and wrong. I didn’t know what to say and whom to say! I tried to sink into a chair and fell down. I looked at the ashok trees in the hedge next to me. The dark fuzz had made him silent and asleep. A guard in his light blue uniform ran to me, he gazed at me and tried helping me. Sometimes you don’t need any support even at your worst and that was the moment. I just wanted to talk to someone but who would understand and care to talk to a person who has utterly lost his senses. 

I called a friend from graduation. She was a good friend in the initial days when we met. And the worst part is she had never seen me the way I used to be. I had always been gloomy and weak from the time she had noticed me. Still she is good friend. Some misunderstandings disturbed our relation for a short period but it was temporary. She picked in just 3 rings and I asked “pallavi can you please talk to me” “ha sukesh sir bolo” she replied. She accompanied me on phone for next 15 mins with the positive way. There is certain intellectual and emotional attraction that I call her. I even wanted to talk to sana but she isn’t worth it. If she would be worth I would not have fucked up so badly. I cried and said all wanted to say but sadly I could not retain all of it. Pallavi said to me I am awesome. Haha. Yes how awesomely I have screwed myself I thought. Very patiently she heeded all what I wanted to say and so softly she tried normalizing my situation. She helped me get over my frail emotions. I don’t know what difference it made in her mind but it was calm in my heart. That moment I just wanted someone to hold and cry for all my wrong doings. How can she just see the right through me! May be there is! I am not sure but at least she made me feel so.

God knows what I am fighting for. All my layers have burnt now. The unhealthy night dragged me to doc in the morning. I was totally numb when I reached hospital. I don’t even remember how did they carry me. Doc scanned my chest. Gave a few meds, injections on my arse and glucose bottles through my hand and said to quit smoke and drink from that second IF i want to survive. Okey his statement was “abhi se daaru cigg band karo beta nai to agli baar hospital aane ki jaruarat nai padegi, halat bahot kaharb hai tumhari”

I can’t figure out what will I make out of myself. I want to correct the little things first. The finer things

-          I will try and quit smoking as sooner as possible.

-          Same applies to alcohol.

-          Will exercise regularly to make myself physically and emotionally strong.

-          Will start having tea as people who drink tea appear me quite matured :p

Nevermind, I am gonna escape from all these persistent stressors. I will be okey I promise – thanks pallavi. 

*awkward silence* 

Help me baba. Make we what you planned for me.

Sukesh