I am not Dead!

I am not dead. I AM NOT DEAD (yelling). Tough, I did not prove my existence worth yet.

Been a quarter since I last scribbled here. Sometimes was lost somewhere and somewhere I kept ignoring myself.

It’s funny how life drives us. From a lost teenager to a lost tweenager, I still could not find myself. Resistant to bring my thoughts into action, I kind of blocked myself. #Realisation.

A summary of past quarter:-

I Graduated. YaY. 20^th Jan 2012 – is engraved with golden letters in my History, does not matter if I was not a scholar.

My Undergrad was a whim. A lost teenager, undecided what to do with his life, found himself in Grad school, pursuing Mass Communication. The sudden encounter with the field, I found it fascinating. Better than everything I could have done. Loved the subject and the people I met.

#Retrospect - Three years were eventful. With rollercoaster emotional rides to unemotional career focus. I experienced all. Final year was all doomed; still I managed to Graduate on time. :D (sabash)

And finally my Graduation day - it’s recorded deep down in all my ventricles. It was a frictionless day and I kept enjoying the move. I enjoyed but missed you! L

Feb and March at work station. For two consecutive months I was their slave. I worked like an underpaid ‘majdoor’. I managed one n half publication (Online). Never was it less than 12 working hours. 

It all dropped me an unscheduled life but it was a good understanding of work and the people around. J

My new Home.  #Bliss. Nothing else to say about it.

Mom Dad's 25^th Marriage Anniversary:- It was 10 months I went home. Had not met my brother and my family for around 300 days. It was first time in history sazzy was away from home for so many months. L But finally I made it on holi. 8^th March was holi and 7^th was my parents 25^th Marriage Anniversary. <3

This is the collage I got for mummy and papa. All the way in train from Delhi to Singrauli, I kept caring about the Collage, if any one touched the packet I would stare him as if I would take out his kidneys. 

25 years and counting. A successful life. 2 wonderful sons (me and bhai). The perfect bonding in the joint family. ‘poore parivaar ko saath lekar chalna’. Indeed a great job. Our joint family is the best thing I could have ever craved for.

Every one proclaims that they have the best parents in the world. May be, may not be, but they surely are the best I could have ever wished for. *hugs*

Few more events took place in past months but needless to mention them or more I could not figure out or recall what good happened. My mind sometimes becomes numb and blank like the blue expanse in front of me. If it’s a mental disease, I wonder!

My new phone:  Blackberry is something I always wanted. My new curve 9220 gives a good feeling. Thanks papa for getting me one. J

Present Life: I have about faced to something not like sazzy. No pain is fatal in life, I have realized, my normal pulse assures me. Sana is gone and I still cry for her at times (mostly when am intoxicated, happens every week). But in normal situation, when in all my senses ‘these days it’s getting harder to remember what it felt like to feel like there was a person that felt just like I did for her.’

Maybe I have got too busy in my life. Duty and Drink – only two things I am involved in. But I never want that feeling to fade away, that pain, that ache and above all, that love. God listens what I deeply crave. I am happy, nostalgia stroked deep a few days back when I was all in my sanity. The above statement in italics was proved wrong that second. J

I don’t know what it is. Sometimes I would go too emotional and sometimes feeling less. But all the time there is a chamber of my heart where there is no blood, which is without any sensation, no feeling of joy, no sense of hurt. And that’s the reason why am alive today. Sana, after you were gone I had the toughest phase, now so much experiencing pain and loneliness has made me so paradoxical.

Career: No big milestones were accomplished, but just one that I got published and started writing for tech page in Financial Express. Finally, after a year of work in Online I got a chance to write in print. I still work for Online and also I write weekly in FE Gadgets. Will post another blog entry about this small achievement.

But what bothers and pinches is that – is this the work I always wanted to do? I never wanted to be a tech writer!! So, what do I crave? Still confused and undecided! Don’t know where life is driving me. Raam I trust you and am walking.

Sukesh